shock

I don't know how else to explain it. Some part of me still seems to refuse to believe it. I am suspended somewhere between wanting to cry aloud and humming my way through the day because part of me still thinks that I am waiting for something.

It is done and over with. Wesleyan doesn't want me. They called S sometime before Oz, and they never called me. Miss A called them up today; just to check for sure that I didn't get it (after all, who wants me to keep hoping?), and well, S was the only person from our school. Miss A's theory is that they're only taking the academic cream of the crop from each school. S beat me with 2 points. He got a predicted 45; me, a 42. They've arranged him to go have his interview on Friday.

And still it is not setting in. I don't know what to feel. I'm not sure what to think or how to respond. Should I be rolling around crying? Should I shrug it off completely? I wanted this very badly. Goodness knows how difficult it was to try to enjoy my holiday in Italy when all I could think about was my SAT score (I ended up with a 2080. S beat me with 2100. Oh, S. I wish I could be upset at you. Maybe it would make things easier for myself).

Miss A called me into her office during study period. I didn't cry about the Wes decision until today, during the fire drill when she looked straight at me, and I could so oh-so-clearly how she pitied me. In her office she asked me why it was making me so upset. I suppose people don't generally cry when they find out their uni hasn't acccepted them. I told her I don't know. She kept talking and trying to make me feel better--telling me that from the very beginning she didn't think that I could get in; that she didn't think it was the right environment for me. She told me that one day, I would say 'it's so fortunate that I never went there'. I think it just upset me further; it was as if she never believed in me in the first place. I asked if I could be excused, and then she asked me if I was angry at her.

I told her no, I wasn't. I wasn't angry at S, either, or at the admissions officers at Wes. I'm not upset at anyone because there really isn't anybody to blame. It's over. It's done. No doing anything about it. I gave it what I could and I am not good enough for Wesleyan.

Oh God.

Years and years of trying so hard to be good enough and it all comes down to this. I am still not good enough. CCC, debating, Student council Presidency and my Vice President is better than me. He deserves this. But I swear I would be so upset if he decided not to take it. I don't want to explore that possibility. I don't want to even think that I was placed second for someone who doesn't want it. Oh God. Help me.

I want this so badly. I don't want to believe that this is the end of it. I can't. I must not. In my head I am imagining Wes changing their mind.

Make it stop, God! I have to stop hoping for it! Your way has taken place. Don't change your mind. I wanted this. I thought it was Your plan! Why why why?

Why?

I still feel like I have something worth waiting for here.

It's over. It's done with. Nothing to be done. God, make me not bitter. I'm a horrible, horrible person when I'm sad. God knows better than anyone.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I can't face my friends.
Still not good enough after all.