white flag

I gave up, gave in, and felt better.

Better is relative though. I look like crap, of course, and I'm quite sure my contacts have melted onto my eyes. My nose is stuffy and my mouth tastes strange. There are people who are of the opinion that crying solves nothing, but I think that it helps. It is in my moment of greatest vulnerability that I am most honest. Of course, it works both ways.

I prayed and I complained, I suppose. I was supposed to be taking my bath, but I sat down on the tiles and I prayed.

I guess I really had convinced/tricked/told myself to believe that Wes was God's way. I was twisting everything to fit my own agenda and I told Him I'm sorry. While I was crying and praying I called on God's promise. I told Him that He had promised that if I asked, I would receive,

but I couldn't bring myself to ask for this.

I told Him that I love You. I love You. I love You.

At some point while I was angry with God I told Him He could have His way with me. I was done fighting. I was done resisting and disobeying, and He could have His way. Eventually, I knew what I wanted to ask for.

I asked Him to take the wanting and the waiting away. I asked Him to change my heart and make me His tool. It took time, but I got back on my feet and (took my shower), and when I came out of the bathroom I waved the white flag.

As I am writing this I am also finishing up an e-mail to two Wes admissions officers, Ms. C.L and Ms. T.O. I am thanking them for their help. My e-mail to Ms. T.O contains an informal endorsements of sorts for S. He deserves it. He's got the brains for it, I suppose.

I'll admit that it was easier than I thought. I haven't sniffled or sobbed the whole time I wrote the e-mails or this entry. My latest twitter claims that I am waving the white flag. It's done. It's over with.

I know my God could turn mountains around and He could give me this. I know it, and I don't doubt it.
I'm not going to ask for it. I don't know what happens next but I rely on the assurance that He knows better.

Take the reins, God, I'm through driving. Change my heart, bring me closer to You. I am through running my own life. You can have all of it, and I'm sorry I ever tried to deny You that right.

Goodnight, goodnight. I need sleep to magic away the puffy eyes. I still don't want to go to school, but I don't see an alternative. I just need some respite. From everything.

Goodnight.